June 8, 2013 by Mrs. W

How I change the world

My rock star* friend M posted this on Facebook today:

“Anyone want to be crazy with me? How have you been changing the world?”

Before I share my reaction to this, I should say that this has been a terrible day. For no particular reason. Kids crying, fighting, whining, getting hurt, hungry, overtired, peeing on stuff, no-napping, all-out mess.

We’re doing just fine. My children are adorable and I love them, a big contractor job finished up today, and I even got my entire family to eat vegetables they usually don’t like for dinner (they were hidden in rice and drenched in soy sauce, but it TOTALLY counts). Still, this is not the day I’ll hold on to in my memory fondly for the next 20 years. As I tucked E into her bed tonight, I high-fived her on having made it through this stinker of a day.

So with that background, it might make sense when I tell you that my first reaction to this was despair. How am I supposed to change the world?! I can’t even keep up with changing diapers!

And then I took a breath. And decided that’s probably not fair. And then I remembered what Mother Theresa said (I think M might actually have this hanging in her house):

“We can do no great things, only small things with great love.”

And while there is more to that story and at first it seems like you can’t do small things and expect to change the world, upon further reflection I think that the small things hold the seeds of the big things.

I don’t do anything perfectly. I am too imperfect for that. But I do things with all my heart, all my mind and all my strength.

So here are some ways I change the world:

I say what I mean, or as close to it as possible. This is amazingly hard work in American culture. It used to be very easy for me. Then I found out other people have feelings. More about that later.

I try to live graciously by assuming the best of people around me. More about that later too.

I think about food; where it comes from, how I can best cook it, how I can share it for the benefit of people around me. I make a lot of things from scratch because I feel like knowing how to make things is valuable information to have. Plus, if the zombie apocalypse happens, I can still make a lot of things for my family. Like mayonnaise. What’s a zombie apocalypse without mayonnaise? (Did I mention it’s been a loooong day?)

I think about where my stuff comes from. This isn’t always pretty, and sometimes it really stresses me out. I get why most people don’t think about that.

I think about where my stuff goes after it leaves me…this is less about a blind environmentalist agenda (which is what 15-year-old me would have accused, Captain Planet notwithstanding) and more about the simple fact that it feels irresponsible to just throw things ‘away’ over and over again for other people to deal with. We can do better.

I use cloth diapers.

I breastfeed. It’s going to make my kids smarter. Not smarter than yours, just…smarter. And healthier. And…well a lot of things.

I seek to live generously.

I think about my friends who are doing amazing things in the world, and I try to support them in a variety of ways. I try to make them famous in my house so that my kids will want to be like them, and see that there are many, many ways to make the world a better place.

I am raising intentional people who will engage the world in thoughtful ways that I haven’t even thought of yet.

What about you? How do you change the world?

*M is not actually a rock star. Figure of speech. She’s really cool and is one of the friends I talk about to my kids. But if she wanted to be a rock star, she definitely could. Because, you know, she’s a rock star like that. You can check her out here and here if you like.

June 5, 2013 by Mrs. W

How not to be a local foodie

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. Idyllic, really. The sun was shining, the shoppers were hungry, and the produce was fresh. I was waiting in line at my one of my favorite farmer’s stands, waiting my turn.

The lady in front of me paid with a $20. She apologized for not having smaller change. If you google “how to shop at a farmers’ market” you will probably find something about carrying small bills if you can to make it easier for them. It’s a thing.

The farmer looked at her and smiled kindly. “That’s ok, ma’am! I know what you mean, though! You know, sometimes when you go to the drive-thru at McDonald’s and all you have is a $20 and it takes them f o r e v e r to give you change? I hate that.”

Her smile froze. She stared at him in disbelief, then said in a trying-to-remain-calm voice, “I NEVER eat McDonald’s.” She took her change and walked quickly away.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad to never eat McDonald’s. My kids have never eaten there, and I don’t remember the last time I did, either. Yay us. Or whatever. But friends, I am begging you, don’t be that guy. Don’t make people feel like crap because they do eat McDonald’s (especially if they are the ones growing your food). Do you like to be judged by other people just because they need to feel like they have made the right choices themselves? No? Well, that makes sense, because nobody likes that. And it uses energy that you could be putting into something so very much more productive. Like finding the correct change to use at farmers’ markets. Or really any of a number of activities that won’t conclusively brand you (and many of the rest of us who care about where their food comes from) as an elitist.

May 28, 2013 by Mrs. W

The art of list-making

Sometimes making a list (and not going crazy) is about having things on the list that you can actually cross off. Being flexible with list items is also key.

Old to-do list for today:
Get J to work super early so we can have the car and accomplish millions of errands today.
Have two different contractors at the house working on fencing and a bathroom leak.
Meet to finish Indie GoGo crowdfunding perk fulfillment.
Practice the flute.
Organize food for the week.
Do laundry.
Take a luxurious shower in preparation for extra-fancy haircut this afternoon.
Go to Half-price books.
Go to Costco. Happily chat with the children all the way through.
Pick up J from work early.
Get haircuts for all four of us.
Cry a little when S gets his tiny haircut, but in a happy “it all goes so fast” sort of way. Otherwise enjoy and “soak up every moment”, like people keep telling me to do. (Computer programmers, doctors and lawyers, do people follow you around at work to make sure you know how much you should be enjoying every moment of it? I have a hard time picturing that. But I digress…if you haven’t read Glennon’s post about this, I’d highly recommend following that link there. You could put it on your list to do later.)
Eat a calm, pleasant dinner at Aladdin’s, in which no one at all gives us a dirty look just for being there with little ones.
Get home just in time to tuck the children easily into bed at 7:30 and enjoy some down time and grown-up conversation with J before bed.

New to-do list for today (in which I have actual children, not the ones that appear occasionally like a plot point on Friends):
Coffee.
Get J to work medium early.
Help S through some big feelings about not getting to play outside RIGHT NOW.
Help E figure out how to be gracious to someone who’s having big feelings.
Figure that out myself.
Get back in time for K to look at the bathroom leak and get dripped on by nasty ceiling water, and agree to make it all better when we’re not looking (seriously, you guys, a good contactor is worth his weight in gold–or whatever is valuable now. maybe Wonderflonium.).
Keep children from knocking him off the high stool while he’s looking at the ceiling.
T will come sometime and do whatever to the fence or something.
Look at the flute in its case. Leave it there.
Break up a fight over trains.
Get crackers and have a disagreement about what to spread on them.
Something about laundry. Nevermind.
More crackers. Mediate a disagreement about who gets to hold the basket of crackers.
A nap (oh, please?).
Go to Costco. Happily chat with the children part-way through, then open something, anything, and here, put this in your mouth…
Pick J up early.
Get all four of us haircuts when zero of us have showered today. See above re: bathroom leak.
Bring our own shampoo to the hair salon so H can wash our hair (usually she doesn’t). Something about extenuating circumstances and “here’s a latte, sorry we stink.”
Get dinner wherever is the loudest and has real vegetarian food. React kindly to the well-meaning people who tell me to “soak up every moment” when S starts yelling in the middle of dinner. React kindly to the less-well-meaning people who are scandalized that I would dare to buy food in public with children while they are trying to eat dinner.
Get home and pour the children into bed.
Try to decompress and absorb ALL THE THINGS (ok, SOME OF THE THINGS) before I fall asleep on the couch in my jeans.

May 16, 2013 by Mrs. W

I apologize too much. Sorry about that.

I think it comes of not having apologized enough in the first 20 or 25 years of my life. With a naturally aggressive personality, I was unapologetically myself. And that sounds great, in a novel. In real life, where actions have consequences, sometimes we end up owing someone an apology even if we didn’t mean to cause them any badness.

That is fairly new information for me. The idea that maybe I bear some of the responsibility for things I don’t intend is really difficult to get my mind around in a productive way. In the past few years I have begun to be made aware of the way other people react to things that I say and do. I blame my husband for this. J is always saying things like, “If your dad is making this face, you should probably stop talking right away.” And you know what? It’s EXHAUSTING. I never understood when I was younger why everyone thought it was so “brave” or whatever when I spoke my mind. Now I do. Speaking your mind when you have a clue about what it might do to other people is often terrifying. Sometimes I have even wished I was able to live my life without being outspoken.

Where I am right now is the place of apologizing all the time. When I’m late. When I’m early. When I’m on time. When I bring food. When I don’t bring food. When I say something and it’s awkward. When I say something in a really thoughtful way, and it’s still awkward. When it’s not awkward (I over-think things until I apologize just in case and then, well, it’s awkward).

Where I am going, I believe, is where I can be really clear about how much of a situation belongs to me. Maybe I’ll figure out which things are mine to apologize for, and which things just are what they are. One rule of thumb once I get to that place will be not to apologize if no one is upset, annoyed or even inconvenienced. What not to say: “I’m sorry I want to make this meal instead of that other meal I suggested, even though you didn’t seem to care either way…will you still eat it?”

I will think a lot about moments when other people are having their Big Feelings and while I will certainly own and apologize for things that are mine, I will not clumsily attempt to carry the blame for something that does not belong to me. I will remember how much that can be like grabbing at the shadow of someone else’s baggage. Because if I do that, probably I’ll just trip and fall on my face, I won’t actually help them, and then they’ll still have their baggage just like before. In the end (okay, in the middle…), I’m finding that too much apologizing is no better than not enough.

April 24, 2013 by Mrs. W

Five Year Old Girl

Five Years.

Five years since the rushing and the exhilaration, five years since the earth shattering and the fear. Five years since the cutting and the crying and the meeting and the loving and the thanking.

How has it been?

It’s been lots of ways. Mostly lovely. Always worth it.

You are exactly what you should be. You are exactly what I need you to be. I try -so hard- to be what you need me to be. Learning to be a mother has been so much more than I could ever have anticipated. But you have helped me. Through your cries I was able to learn very clearly early on what not to do. Even before you could talk you were always great at telling me if something was off, or if you needed something. We are still in this together. There is a lovely push and pull in our relationship because everything we do flows from the fact that we pray each morning that we would be able to do God’s words with each other; that we would be generous and kind and loving.

Thank you, little one, for making me a mother. I know it isn’t easy work. But we do it together, and it is the great honor of my life.

Here’s a smattering of photos that made me smile, little girl. I love you!

Well helloo there!

No, really, I think this morphine is making me….what was I saying? Cute baby.

Elizabeth and her Daves

Why yes, that is you, at a ren faire, playing a drum at five months.

Yeah….I’m not saying you’ll DEFINITELY be a nerd, but there are times when it does seem likely…

April 19, 2013 by Mrs. W

Easy Blender Mayonnaise

“Hey! I made some mayonnaise. Should we make some oven fries to go with it?”

“Um, mayonnaise?? What’s that??” Suspicious-of-my-mom eyes.

“It’s made with eggs, and olive oil, and salt and a little lemon….it’s creamy and delicous, see? Look!”

“Mo-oommm, are you talking about aioli?”

Yeah, I have THAT kid. One of that occupational hazards of being really into food, I suppose. I’m ok with it.

There are some great posts out there detailing the delicate differences between mayo and aioli, if you’d care to look into it. Apparently, what I make is something in between though it leans a bit more toward aioli. Whatever you choose to call it, this condiment is a staple in our house. As with many of my staple homemade items, I started making it because I was too lazy to drive to the store for it one day. As such, it was requested some time ago that I post the recipe. I think the original people who asked me have figured it out on their own. Hope so, because it’s, ah, been a minute–sorry ’bout that!

Anyhow. Here it is.

Easy Blender Mayonnaise

Ingredients:

1 whole egg

1-1/4 c olive oil (you could use other oil you find delicious)

1 tsp salt

1 tsp sugar or honey

(1 tsp dry mustard powder)

(1-2 cloves garlic)

(a dash hot sauce or chili powder)

3 tbsp lemon juice or apple cider vinegar (I fill a 1/4 cup about 3/4 of the way and sort of eye-ball it)

Method:

Combine in blender: egg, 1/4 c olive oil, salt, sugar, and any seasonings you choose to use. Blend until well combined. With the blender running on low (and hopefully through the small hole in the lid if you can; otherwise it makes a bit of a mess), SLOWLY stream in 1/2 c oil, then the lemon juice, then the rest of the olive oil. Don’t rush this part. After everything is streamed in, turn the blender up higher and let it go until it looks like mayonnaise. That’s it. Dip oven fries in it, spread it on a sandwich, use it in deviled eggs, or however you use aioli. Or, you know, mayonnaise. My friend L mixes it with pesto and uses it for dips and sandwiches and things. Ooh, I’m hungry just thinking about that.

Troubleshooting:

If you feel like it’s never going to happen (and it’s been more than 3 minutes or so), then you can either throw it out and start over (that’s sad) or remove some of the liquid, add a whole egg (the yolk acts as a binding agent and the white helps it to stop being a liquid), then blend until it looks like mayonnaise, adding back in as much of the original mixture as you can.

March 29, 2013 by Mrs. W

On surviving drama with a friendship intact

I have recently entered into some new friendships. As with any other friendship I am a part of, I have spent the first several months very intentionally observing. What communication styles are most effective, what is off-putting, what kind of foods people like, etc. It’s like learning to read. Kind of slow and clunky, with lots of sounding out words and stopping and starting again. This is what it’s like to be an outspoken extrovert who cares about other people’s feelings. And yes, it is exactly as much work as it sounds. But I don’t know another way to really be in relationship.

So the thing that happens is that at some point, every relationship has drama. It’s a thing. Not a single one of us is perfect; we are all works of art in progress in a broken world and we all bring varying degrees of brokenness and inability to deal with certain things to every relationship we have. For example: things I am unable to deal with rationally are gossip and people assuming the worst of my intentions.

When drama happens in a BIG way, it feels like the book I’ve been struggling through for months (or even years) was upside-down the whole time I was learning to read it.

It’s awful.

I think the reason so many of us have revolving doors on our relationship lobby is that we don’t know what to do after that happens. I mean, it was A Thing. But how do you talk about it? It was so bad and we don’t want to relive it. So either we walk out the door, so to speak (or maybe literally…), or we stay and pretend like nothing happened. Everything is fine. See? No one’s yelling or crying or leaving…at least not right now…I should admit right now that I am terrible at this option, as has been repeatedly pointed out to me over the years.

I think there must be another way.

What if we could look our drama in the face (sometimes after enough space and time has passed) and try to learn from it? What if we created a safe space to say, “I value your friendship and I care about you enough to want to really think about how we can communicate better”? It’s difficult, but what if we could not give up? Maybe the book was upside-down. It happens. Just keep going; keep sounding it out, one word at a time.

I do this. Occasionally, it makes my stomach hurt. Sometimes for weeks at a time. Authentic relationship is not for the faint of heart. But in my experience, it is so entirely worth it.

I feel like this post goes hand in hand with this other post.

March 15, 2013 by Mrs. W

Easy Homemade Laundry Detergent

Other recipes I’ve seen for homemade laundry detergent are more work-intensive. I’m ~~lazy~~ efficient, so I cut out the extra steps and still end up with a product that works just fine.

Ingredients and Supplies:

Old empty liquid laundry bottle (the BIG one, if you have it, so you don’t have to make it so often) or some other large, lidded container

some liquid castile soap, or grated up bar soap of your choice

Washing Soda (NOT baking soda. they are NOT the same thing)

Borax

Tap water

essential oils (not…you know…essential to this, but just if you want to add some scent. I usually don’t)

Method:

The liquid castile soap makes this much easier, but if you have bar soap that will be fine too. You just have to grate it up and stir it into a little water on low heat (do NOT boil it–trust me on that one) on the stove until it’s dissolved.

For my “economy” or “family sized” detergent bottle (mine says that holds 150 fluid oz.), I use about a quarter cup liquid castile soap, 1/4 cup borax, and 1/2 cup washing soda. I funnel all these things into the bottle, then add the hottest tap water I can, filling the container up only a little. Cap and shake gently to combine (otherwise BUBBLES), then fill it up the rest of the way. You can let it sit for a few minutes if you like before filling it the rest of the way so some of the bubbles will go down leaving more room for water.

Let this set up for a couple of days before you use it, and gently shake it (turn it upside-down a couple of times) whenever you think about it.

It’s really that easy.

February 22, 2013 by Mrs. W

Crockpot Tomato Soup (can be dairy-free, gluten free, and vegan!)

I had chicken stock in my crockpot and it was time to either make something out of it, or figure out how to store it. Being ~~lazy~~ efficient, and having butter and creamy kefir cheese (think cream cheese, but the kind that won’t keep my lactose intolerant toddler up screaming all night…), I decided to try a new use-it-up kind of recipe. I am kind of shocked by how delicious it was, so I’m writing it down so I can try to duplicate it again. This is also an easily vegan-friendly cream of tomato soup recipe, because although I used chicken stock I think any kind of stock would be just great.

Dairy-Free Vegan Crockpot Tomato Soup

Ingredients:

Stock of your choice (2 quarts or so)

Tomato Sauce (a quart-ish)

1-2 cups of cooked chickpeas (one can would be fine)

2-3 medium carrots, roughly chopped (I cut them into about 4 pieces)

1 medium onion, quartered

1-3 cloves garlic (I used 3, because garlic is delicious)

salt to taste

(a little sweetener, if it tastes too tomato-ey; mine didn’t, but yours might–go easy on that!)

Method:

Put everything into the crockpot, cook for a few hours until everything is fairly soft, then use an immersion blender to puree the soup. If you don’t have an immersion blender (one of those gadgets that seems ridiculous until you have one, and then it seems fantastic!), you could do a little at a time in a regular blender or food processor.

You could dress it up to serve with any number of things: bacon crumbles, grated cheese, sour cream, chives or other chopped fresh herbs, a little wine mixed in, some roasted red peppers, etc. Use your imagination! Obviously, if you add cheese or bacon to it, it would no longer be vegan, so choose accoutrements according to your conscience. 🙂 Or enjoy it, as we did, as simple comfort food for a cold, Clevelandey kind of Friday evening.

February 1, 2013 by Mrs. W

Depression Is Not…

Depression is not normal in the sense that you should just “get over it.” It takes more than that. And what is needed is not the same for every case. I am able to manage very well with a combination of trusted friends to confide in, very intentional introspection, some chocolate and a few episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But that’s me. From what I understand I have a fairly mild case and there is no shame in taking medicine or seeking professional help, if that is what is needed.

Depression is not introversion or shyness. Introverts gain energy from being by themselves. Shy people, for any of a number of reasons, are not outgoing in social situations. Depressed people are people who would otherwise be able to navigate in the world but are having a hard time because of something outside of their true personality (much like sneezing because you have a cold is not part of your body’s normal function).

Depression is not low self-esteem. The fact that I am swimming through jello doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t know my own worth. I mean, it’s always nice to be reminded that I’m great (who doesn’t like hearing that?), and depressed people can have low self esteem as well, but they are not the same thing.

Depression is not weakness or some sort of spiritual short-coming. People do not become depressed because they are not as good or as strong as other people. There are many, many causes and factors involved here and none of them involve depressed people being less capable than others of being useful members of society. Honestly, I think sometimes (though not all the time) my depressive episodes are triggered by impossibly high expectations, which I set for myself and then am unable to meet.

Depression is not being sad for a day or two. Depression is chronic and persistent, and will not just go away if you pretend it isn’t there.

Depression is not rare. The CDC estimates that 1 in 10 people suffer from depression. And that’s just the people who report it because they are seeking help. For a list of famous people with depression, look here and here. Oh, and here.

Depression is not an excuse to disengage from the world and hide from everyone, forever. Taking some time to yourself is good and necessary. Isolating yourself for your entire life because it’s too hard, while understandable, is not what you were meant for. “It is not good for the man to be alone.”

Depression is not definitive. On the days when it feels like you’re swimming through jello, it’s easy to forget this. But the fact that you’re having a hard time is not the only true thing about you, and all of your days do not have to be this hard. If you’ve had too many in a row, you need help.

Depression is a thing.

But…

Depression is not everything.