In the wake of this whole Paula Deen mess, I recently heard a group of white people my own age (I am 30) discussing whether or not they could get away with saying the n-word based on what county they live in. The general consensus was that, as a white person, if you live in certain places you will “get shot or stabbed”, and other places you can use the word with impunity. There’s a whole lot I could say about that, but for now I’ll just say I found it…troubling. I do diversity work because racism is still a thing, people. People in my parents’ generation and older have told me before that we are “color-blind” now and that’s not how it used to be. First of all, not everyone in my generation is “color-blind” (see above). Second of all, I think that becoming ‘color-blind’ is not the way to fix this problem. Some of us deciding to pretend that ethnicity doesn’t exist and people aren’t at all different from us is not going to create lasting change in our culture. Because people are going to notice differences between themselves and other people, and if we don’t find ways to actively and positively engage people around our differences, we leave an empty space that can be filled with all kinds of fear and ignorance. We can do better. We need to do better.

This Paula Deen hullaballoo is not about persecuting a poor old rich white lady, although unfortunately in their anger some people have taken it to that place. It’s about setting a precedent for how we, as a culture, are going to refer to our fellow human beings. Racism is still a thing (and whatever we might wish, it does not belong solely to days gone by when Ms. Deen and many of our grandparents regularly made those types of comments), and that’s one reason this is a big deal. My wise, wise friend K. (who I respect very much and may someday convince to write a guest post for me) says, “What I’m always afraid of though, is what lies behind the facade. People say all kinds of things, in public and in private. But honestly, what concerns me more is what people say behind closed doors. It’s one thing to say something in public — at least I know where you stand, you know? But it’s those things that people say & think that they KNOW are wrong, racist, judgmental, and offensive. They say them in quiet then turn around and smile in your face. They work beside you, and serve you coffee — yet all the while they are harboring these destructive and hurtful beliefs. Like Paula Deen — except now she got caught. It’s those quiet minds that, in a sense, give us the most to worry about.”
In that same overheard conversation, someone said, “I wouldn’t use that word, because I respect all races.” I suppose that is a good start, although I think it might be even better to acknowledge that we are not in fact many races. My other wise, wise friend C. says that we are all the same human race. Saying that you respect all “races” creates a false sense of difference between humans and keeps us from connecting. Saying that you are “color-blind” (sorry for all the quotes, you guys…I’m using words that I don’t typically use and it’s kind of uncomfortable for me) attempts to cover up differences because we know that certain differences are not ok to notice in certain ways (like skin color, accent, etc.). So we pretend that everyone is all completely the same. K. also had this to say, and I thought it was worth passing along: “There’s nothing inherently wrong about noticing those things. It’s a fact that people come in all shades. It’s a fact that we all speak different languages and have different hair or cultural ways of being. That’s what makes this world a beautiful and interesting place. But when those things are assigned or labeled as ‘bad’ or ‘less than’ or ‘other,’ that’s when it becomes problematic.” We have noticed and focused entirely on the differences for so long, and not at all on the commonalities. As a result, we as a culture are now very clumsy about noticing difference. I have been working for several years at this point to create ways to notice that people are different from me without passing judgment on them for it. One thing I found out very quickly: making that choice means you will be swimming against some very strong currents. But as is often the case with swimming against the current, the rewards are tangible and great. I do that work because I have real hope that someday, my daughter and my son won’t have to listen to people dismissing the humanity of others with such ease. And if they do, at least they’ll have heard me say that it’s wrong.

You guys, my little brother got married. To the most surprising girl.

She’s beautiful, quiet, and brave. She founded a sorority (did you know you could do that? I didn’t). She’s very much an introvert, so I think the idea of being the one in the white dress that everyone was staring at, while on some level what ‘every girl dreams of’ (I didn’t, but I hear it’s a thing), was kind of terrifying for her. And planning a wedding; well, if you’ve never done that before I’ll just say that if you can survive planning a wedding with someone (and their family! and your family! exclamation point!) then your marriage is off to a great start.

I think it was really super brave of her to have a big fancy wedding. When you’d rather be in the back of the room writing instead of in the front of the room dancing it takes a lot to not run and hide. That doesn’t mean that weddings aren’t fun. They had fun too, dancing and seeing their friends and eating. But similar to parenting, my observation is that everyone wants to help you, everyone wants the best for you, and lots of people ask you the same questions over and over.

And now after the wedding, they are packing up and headed for Canada. My brother found work on a cattle ranch and will learn that trade, and my sister-in-law will help with general farm work. I think that’s awesome. She’s going to take care of chickens! E will randomly say, “I’m sad, because my Auntie L is far away.” Sorry little brother, she really does love you too. But you’re not a girl. Hope you understand. I’m very glad that this move is happening after skype became a thing.

Doesn’t sister-in-law sound kind of awkward? I think it is. You pick this person to marry, and you bind yourself to that person for life. And that person comes already bound to these other people. And they helped shape the person you picked and that means they have great value. But while they are definitely family, you haven’t known each other for years; even though it seems you are ‘supposed’ to be immediately close since now you are something like sisters to one another, it’s tricky. You don’t know each other well enough to gauge what to say and how to say it (to be fair, I am still learning that with the people who HAVE known me for my whole life…ahem). While the in-law relationship can be tricky, I can say first-hand that it can be incredibly worth it to learn to be close.

So L, I have been thinking of calling you ‘mei-mei’. It means ‘little sister’ in chinese and is how girls refer to each other affectionately in Firefly (I know, cheesy sci-fi, but you don’t have to watch it to be called that…although you could. Watch it. I started with the movie first and then watched the series, and honestly I think I liked it more quickly because of that. But I digress.).

I think mei-mei sounds less…like the wicked step-sister from a fairy tale. And while I’ve never been a big sister to a girl before, I’d really like to think of you that way. I love my brother a lot and I love you too and I am excited to see how our relationship develops over time. From what I’ve seen on tv, I think we’re off to a good sisterly start. You already ‘stole’ some of my favorite jeans. Psssst….I know I said I want them back, but I really think you should take them to Canada with you if you want to. They look way cute on you and I’ll pretty definitely never be that size again! If you still have them when E is that size, maybe she can have them back. It’s really ok.

I thought a lot during your wedding planning time about how I could be helpful, though I know sometimes I was clumsy about it. I would apologize, but I tell my daughter it means more if you apologize when you actually mean to change and while I can try to curb my social short comings, I seem completely unable to shut them out entirely. So here are some things you can expect from me:

I will say awkward things awkwardly. I will NOT mean them the way that they sound. It runs in our family. My brother does it too. Maybe even more than me. Good luck with that. If you haven’t already I bet you’ll get really great at saying, “Do you mean this? Or this?” J can probably speak to that more than me. God bless him.

I will assume the best of you and your intentions. In a culture where getting offended is something of a national pastime, I will choose not to be offended by things that I can tell you don’t intend offense by. That may sound like a small thing. It’s not.

I will offer to do things for you. It will not hurt my feelings if you say no. I just want good things for you and D.

So best wishes as you go about the business of being married people. Please know that you are loved and cared about. Below is a Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote that was important to us as we started out, and it is our prayer for you too.